Empathy: A powerful relationship tool
In an earlier note I talked about an interpersonal model with four parts.
- What did I do?
- What did I expect?
- What was my interpretation of what happened?
- How do I react to that, both toward myself and emotionally?
In the second step, what we want is to have people respond in ways that we expect. Getting the reaction we expect from another person requires the use of “empathy.” That is, to know what to expect from a person requires being able to “walk in their shoes”, even if for a moment.
If we expect a tired person to be energetic and enthusiastic about the outing we propose for the evening, we are not truly thinking of where the tired person might be coming from. If we did think of the tired person, an evening in bathed in comfort may be more appreciated than an evening out bathed in excitement. If on the other hand, the person we are “trying to please”, has been home all day and “typically” likes to be out and about, a quiet evening in may be no treat at all.
If you expect the slow riser to be all perky and ready for lots of conversation with you, an early riser, you may be disappointed. If you hand then a cup of coffee first and wait a few minutes they may be more ready to talk. Then you may get what you expect, and want.
These are simple examples that begin to demonstrate the value of empathy. If we want to please someone or if we make a request of them and we expect a positive response, it is critical that we know “where the other person is coming from.” That is, empathy is one of the more powerful tools for navigating relationships.
With empathy, it is much more likely that we will deliver things that the other person values, and be able to feel good that they responded as expected. Our requests for support will be better received when we know where the other person is coming from as well.
With the use of empathy, the answer to the question “What did I expect?”, is more likely to be, “I expected the response I got.”