I recommend David B. Wexler’s book Is he depressed or what? because it answered one of the clinical questions I found in my practice. A number of clients have contacted me for “anger issues.” Instead of the classic incident driven bursts of anger, they were irritable or annoyed almost all of the time. Wexler does a nice job of describing a male-type-depression and the issues that arise around it.

They feel restless, agitated, and unsatisfiable. They lose their vitality. Vague, persistent physical symptoms show up like headaches, mysterious pain, and insomnia. These men often attempt to “self-medicate” with potentially addictive behaviors like alcohol or drug use, gambling, sexual affairs, workaholism, and reckless physical risk taking.

The key is that with male-type depression men report “feeling irritable” or feeling tremendously fatigued” rather than the feeling of sadness we associate with classic depression. The book is written for the partners of depressed men, but has useful information for anyone interested in understanding male-type depression.

I decided to begin a study of self-esteem. Everyone wants it, but where does it come from? Do we build it? If so, I go back to the days when I built “things.” If I can describe the thing I want to build then I have a much better chance of actually building it. If I am building a dog house that is one thing, if I am building a doll house that is another. If I am building a human house that is something different yet. Merely nailing boards together does not take me closer to building a thing unless I know the nature of the thing I am trying to build.

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I talked about Gottman’s book in an earlier post:

John M. Gottman who wrote an excellent and practical guide: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Since Gottman’s book is a “guide”, he has developed 7 principles that are expressed in the form of exercises. I recommend that any couple interested invest some time in these exercises. The exercises can be done by couples working on their own; the “guide” is in fact a good self-help manual.

It is still the best “couples” book I have found and I continue to use it in my practice.

A lot of my clients find me when they are looking for a class in “anger management.” There are a number of ways to gain general knowledge about anger and how to better control it. Taking a class works for some people. For others finding knowledge and techniques in a book is effective.

I have looked through several anger management books and like Stop the Anger Now: A Workbook for the Prevention, Containment, and Resolution of Anger by Ronald T. Potter-Efron (the icon on this page takes you to Amazon). the book is straight forward and presents a number of useful tools.

When clients decide to work with me I use a counseling process, with anger as the focus. The difference is that we explore the client’s experiences and zero in on their specific issue. When we understand what is going on, tools are selected by the client that fit the situations he or she encounters. When my clients reach the action phase of counseling they are selecting and using tools that resolve their particular issue. The way I have come to describe my general approach is “Solutions tailored to fit you.”

I purchased an updated version of Rollo May’s very fine book, Love and Will. My first copy was purchased at the annual book sale in Hyde Park, was already worn when I got it, and is now very well worn.

I flipped to the section titled Love and Will, finding this quote:

Both love and will are ways of molding, forming, relating to the world and trying to elicit a response from it through the persons whose interest or love we covet.

This is an amazing quote and speaks directly to conflict in relationships. First we try to love someone, or some thing. Frequently when we aren’t able to “elicit” the response we want from them, we try to “will” a response through force. From my clinical experience, many distressed people are simply trying to get something they need from the people they love. Knowing that they are trying to “elicit a response” can be very powerful.

If we take that one step further and become clear about the “response” we are looking for, we can “ask” for it. It can be very difficult to find words that name the “response”, but when we do, “asking” for what we want becomes very powerful.