I decided to begin a study of self-esteem. Everyone wants it, but where does it come from? Do we build it? If so, I go back to the days when I built “things.” If I can describe the thing I want to build then I have a much better chance of actually building it. If I am building a dog house that is one thing, if I am building a doll house that is another. If I am building a human house that is something different yet. Merely nailing boards together does not take me closer to building a thing unless I know the nature of the thing I am trying to build.

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I talked about Gottman’s book in an earlier post:

John M. Gottman who wrote an excellent and practical guide: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Since Gottman’s book is a “guide”, he has developed 7 principles that are expressed in the form of exercises. I recommend that any couple interested invest some time in these exercises. The exercises can be done by couples working on their own; the “guide” is in fact a good self-help manual.

It is still the best “couples” book I have found and I continue to use it in my practice.

A lot of my clients find me when they are looking for a class in “anger management.” There are a number of ways to gain general knowledge about anger and how to better control it. Taking a class works for some people. For others finding knowledge and techniques in a book is effective.

I have looked through several anger management books and like Stop the Anger Now: A Workbook for the Prevention, Containment, and Resolution of Anger by Ronald T. Potter-Efron (the icon on this page takes you to Amazon). the book is straight forward and presents a number of useful tools.

When clients decide to work with me I use a counseling process, with anger as the focus. The difference is that we explore the client’s experiences and zero in on their specific issue. When we understand what is going on, tools are selected by the client that fit the situations he or she encounters. When my clients reach the action phase of counseling they are selecting and using tools that resolve their particular issue. The way I have come to describe my general approach is “Solutions tailored to fit you.”

I purchased an updated version of Rollo May’s very fine book, Love and Will. My first copy was purchased at the annual book sale in Hyde Park, was already worn when I got it, and is now very well worn.

I flipped to the section titled Love and Will, finding this quote:

Both love and will are ways of molding, forming, relating to the world and trying to elicit a response from it through the persons whose interest or love we covet.

This is an amazing quote and speaks directly to conflict in relationships. First we try to love someone, or some thing. Frequently when we aren’t able to “elicit” the response we want from them, we try to “will” a response through force. From my clinical experience, many distressed people are simply trying to get something they need from the people they love. Knowing that they are trying to “elicit a response” can be very powerful.

If we take that one step further and become clear about the “response” we are looking for, we can “ask” for it. It can be very difficult to find words that name the “response”, but when we do, “asking” for what we want becomes very powerful.

Jeffery Binder recommends five questions for clinicians to “conduct a reconnaissance” in an area of a client’s life. I think of these questions in every counseling session I conduct. Writing them here is one more way for me to keep them clearly in mind… and I believe anyone who wants can use them in their own “recon” efforts. After substituting “my” for “the client’s”, here they are:

1. What are “my” primary intentions and wishes toward significant others?
2. What are “my” expectations concerning others’ reactions to my wishes or intentions?
3. How do “I” perceive the actions and intentions of others?
4. How do “my” actions, based on my expectations and interpretations of others, tend to evoke in others behavior that reinforces my negative expectations?
5. How do “my” expectations and perceptions of others influence how I view and treat myself?

Trying these questions on “yourself” may seem like jumping into the middle of something, yet I believe any of us can benefit from building the skill of self-reflection. Give it a try!

I selected several books I use in my practice to advertise on this page (through Amazon). I will get a buck or two if someone decides to purchase one after clicking on the icon, helping me cover the cost of my website. More important, these books are very good resources for someone trying to improve how they interact with people.

I first read When Good Men Behave Badly by David Wexler when I was doing my internship and studying how to do anger management work. Later, I was wondering why it is that the person most likely to be the target of someone’s anger is more often than not the one closest to them, their significant other. The best answer I have found to that question is found in Wexler’s book. Mirroring is what we all need and look for from those close to us. Wexler describes how that works and a lot more in this very useful book.

In an earlier post I talked about an interpersonal model with four parts.

1. What did I do?
2. What did I expect?
3. What was my interpretation of what happened?
4. How do I react to that, both toward myself and emotionally?

In the second step, what we want is to have people respond in ways that we expect. Getting the reaction we expect from another person requires the use of “empathy.” That is, to know what to expect from a person requires being able to “walk in their shoes”, even if for a moment.

If we expect a tired person to be energetic and enthusiastic about the outing we propose for the evening, we are not truly thinking of where the tired person might be coming from. If we did think of the tired person, an evening in bathed in comfort may be more appreciated than an evening out bathed in excitement. If on the other hand, the person we are “trying to please”, has been home all day and “typically” likes to be out and about, a quiet evening in may be no treat at all.

If you expect the slow riser to be all perky and ready for lots of conversation with you, an early riser, you may be disappointed. If you hand then a cup of coffee first and wait a few minutes they may be more ready to talk. Then you may get what you expect, and want.

These are simple examples that begin to demonstrate the value of empathy. If we want to please someone or if we make a request of them and we expect a positive response, it is critical that we know “where the other person is coming from.” That is, empathy is one of the more powerful tools for navigating relationships.

With empathy, it is much more likely that we will deliver things that the other person values, and be able to feel good that they responded as expected. Our requests for support will be better received when we know where the other person is coming from as well.

With the use of empathy, the answer to the question “What did I expect?”, is more likely to be, “I expected the response I got.”

I am starting to appreciate a new term (for me) “organizing principle” that Shapiro (1995) uses in his book Talking With Patients: A Self Psychological View. I believe it is closely related to, but not quite the same as mantra, schema, pattern, and script … all words used to describe how we understand our experience and then use that understanding to guide future action.

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I have been doing more couples counseling lately and the article Intimacy: What is it anyway? written by Julienne B. Derichscaught LCPC for GoodTherapy.org caught my eye. Julienne says:

Intimacy is not a concrete concept; it is a quality in a relationship that takes on many forms. The common thread being feelings of closeness among partners in a relationship. Intimacy and healthy relationships go hand in hand, yet everyone has different ideas about how intimacy is created.

Julienne lists 50 ideas to create intimacy in a relationship. I frequently assign a version of this one:

48. Schedule a weekly relationship meeting. All couples need to have a routine for helping each other stay focused or accountable for the health of their relationship…

The good news is that some of the things we tend to do “naturally” help to build intimacy:

19. Ask your partner about their day…everyday…listen and ask questions.

Some things we may tend to forget after the relationship has matured:

21. Sit close.

Some ideas you may, or may not, have tried yet:

37. Share a romantic fantasy with your partner and ask them to tell you theirs.

Even finding one idea you like and will follow through on makes this article worth the read!

If you like the sound of these headlines you will appreciate this article written by Dr Laura Berman:

• Tell your kids no!
• Rediscover your bedroom.
• More than just a date night.
• Who do we appreciate?
• Keep it exciting.
• Don’t lose yourself.

A marriage that works provides a solid core for nurturing children.