Assertiveness is a very powerful approach to interactions with other people. Frequently people get trapped in old ways of interacting that do not work in an adult world. Without thinking about doing something different or getting some training, they continue to do what worked, or at least seemed to work earlier in their life. Pouting or shouting might have worked for some children in some families, but rarely works well for adults, and certainly doesn’t work well in business.
Sometimes therapists talk about people having layers of feeling. The idea is that under sadness might be anger, under anger, might be loneliness, and so on. I was thinking about anger and how common it is, especially among men. It dawned on me that feeling angry about having another feeling might be a better way to view this layering idea.
Nice article from Zen Habits! I like that it recommends living life consciously and has some very practical ways to do that. The heart of the matter lies in this quote:
How to Live Life Consciously
… it is deceptively simple: Be conscious, and think about, everything you do. Make conscious choices rather than doing things without thinking. That’s all.
Much of counseling is directed toward “making the unconscious conscious.” A lot of my work with anger counseling is directed toward the question: “Angry about what?” The answer leads to making the source of emotion conscious. The response to the answer turns reactions into “conscious choices” as described in the article.
My approach to couples counseling combines basic counseling principles with the work of John M. Gottman who wrote an excellent and practical guide: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Since Gottman’s book is a “guide”, he has developed 7 principles that are expressed in the form of exercises. I recommend that any couple interested invest some time in these exercises. The exercises can be done by couples working on their own; the “guide” is in fact a good self-help manual.
The most basic pattern of counseling is a sequence of exploration, followed by insight, followed by action. Using this process in couples counseling consists of the following: I get to know the couple; we talk about what is working and not working in the present relationship; we explore family backgrounds. From that we will gain insight, or more simply “understand” what is going on in the relationship. Continue Reading »
This is a good article on an important emotion. It seems to me that it works nicely with emotion as information.
by John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
November 27, 2007
It’s amazing how quickly guilt can kick in for the smallest, most meaningless things in our lives.
Pasted from <http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2007/11/27/5-tips-for-dealing-with-guilt/>
One of my clients recently described that she has a constant “mantra” that guides her response to situations. I usually describe these thoughts as personal “themes” or as “intents.” The use of the word mantra was very effective. A mantra can be a useful guide; however, a mantra can also be the central cause of a personal problem.
A mantra of “I strive for perfection” can lead to great achievement. A mantra of “I must be perfect” can lead to impossible expectations and either denial of reality or perpetual failure. A mantra of “I accomplish a lot and people rely on me” can lead to confidence while a mantra of “why does it always have to be me” can lead to a constant manipulation of others. A mantra of “I will be my best” can lead to lifetime growth while the mantra “not like dad” may lead to rigidity that works sometimes but not others.
One of the hallmarks of emotional health is flexibility. A good check on personal health is to think of your own mantra(s). Are they flexible and growth oriented, or do they get you boxed into actions that damage relationships? It’s worth a check.
Anxiety
Anxiety is an emotion, and a very complex one at that. But first, what do we mean by emotion? I use the work of Clore (1994) and think of emotion as a mental state. According to Clore, an emotion is a mental state in which “a situation is perceived as positive or negative for one’s concerns.” Walking though this definition, the first requirement is a situation. Frequently “the situation” involves other people. Maybe our significant other, maybe people at work, maybe strangers we have to interact with. Some situations involve space, e.g. open space or heights. Other situations may involve animals, e.g. spiders. But, most of the time, most of my clients are worried about situations that involve people. Continue Reading »
I have been looking at several blogs on counseling and decided to add the one at GoodTherapy.org to my blogroll. They have well written articles about the profession. I am also listed with them as part of my professional marketing campaign so… a bit of self promotion as well.
Many thousands of people suffer from depression. Anti-depressants are, of course, an effective way to treat the symptoms of depression. Psychotherapy (one of the things counselors do) is also an effective treatment for depression, and is directed toward resolving the cause as well as the symptoms of depression.
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