According to Webster, change means “to make different in some particular.” Frequently the change a client is looking for is a different outcome or result in their life. They say, I want to be happy; I want to stop being sad; I want to stop getting so angry; I want to fit in better. Before they sought therapy it may have seemed that things happen and that they arrive at a certain state due to “outside influences.” Usually by the time they get to therapy they have a pretty good idea that “it may be me.”

In counseling and psychotherapy we do not try to control the outside forces that impact our clients. We do not try to change the world the client lives in, maybe how they perceive it but not the world itself. What the therapist and client can do is work together to help the client respond in a different way to the world as it presents itself. As I describe in a different article, the way a client responds is determined by schemas or mental models of how the client interacts with the world.

So, what a client ultimately changes is a schema or mental model. But how is that change accomplished? What answers the question, how do “I” change? In brief-psychodynamic therapy (my basic approach) what we are looking for is a new understanding followed by a new experience. When a new experience is successful and repeated over time, a new mental model is developed.

The basic approach for understanding a person in their world, their situation, is to listen closely to their story, or narrative. When multiple situations are described we are able to see a pattern in how the client responds to particular situations. So the first thing the client does is tell their story. Sometimes the mere act of telling their story clarifies what is going on. Sometimes the therapist assists the client in clarifying what is going on. The hoped for result from telling, retelling, and clarifying a person’s story is a “new understanding” of how they interact with their world. A key part from a psychodynamic perspective is to find a pattern that is repeated over and over, even though it does not work. The repeated use of this pattern is what gets in the way of the client adapting to the world.

For insight oriented therapists, like me, we can sometimes be puzzled when the new understanding itself is not enough. The problem is that “seeing the pattern” does not always promote “changing the pattern.” When insight isn’t enough the client will say something like… Yes I see that, but what do I do? That response is the reason for this article. What is the final action the client goes through that creates the change?

This is where the new experience comes in. With a new understanding, the client is encouraged to try something different when they encounter one of their “problem” situations. Sometimes a new skill is involved, like asking for what they want. Sometimes a new attitude is involved, like believing they have rights as a person and that those rights can be asserted. Sometimes the new understanding leaves an opening for reframing an old situation in a new way. Maybe I wasn’t just weak, maybe I did what I needed to do then. But with a new understanding I can see that I am an adult now and have adult options.

In summary, when clients change they develop new models of how certain situations work. First they gain a new understanding or insight into the patterns they are using in current situations. With the new understanding it becomes clearer that other options are available. When the client tries other options, they in effect do something different. Doing something different creates a new experience. When the new experience is repeated it automatically creates a new pattern or schema. The client has changed.

So, how do “I” change? After all of the talking, feeling, thinking, discussing and so on, I do something different. Actually I try several things and find one that works for me. Then I keep doing what works until I don’t even think about it. My new pattern just works.