Love has always been complex and is frequently confusing. Gaining an understanding of love is as relevant today as it was in ancient times. When there seems to be “something missing” in an intimate relationship, love is the place to look.

Love Defined

My favorite quotation from Emmanuel Kant is about care:

“Treat humanity whether in thine own person or that of any other, in every case as an end withal, never as means only.”

It states that we should realize people are important in themselves rather than merely instruments to fulfill our own needs. M. Scott Peck has a great definition for love in his book The Road Less Traveled. He sees love as

“The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”

Peck seems to be on the same page as Kant, mature love requires care for someone else, not just ourselves.

Sex, Passion and Friendship

Yet, we want love to be exciting as well, so what are the other parts of love. The Western tradition recognizes four types of love that are described by Rollo May in his book Love and Will. The first is sex, pretty much what we think it is, not to mention a prominent tool for marketing. Next is Eros, both the drive to procreate and to create. Eros is passion as in Romeo and Juliet as well as the passions we express for life itself. Third is philia, or friendship. Again, a fairly straight forward version of what we recognize in contemporary times. The fourth is agape. Agape aligns best with M. Scott Peckís definition of love and is what Emmanuel Kant is talking about.

The Crown Jewel

Agape is devoted to the welfare of others. It many ways, Agape or care, is the crown jewel of love. It is what we understand when we believe in God’s love. It is the kind of love parents can have for their children. It is the love that sustains long term relationships when the initial flame has subsided to that warm glow.