I purchased an updated version of Rollo May’s very fine book, Love and Will. My first copy was purchased at the annual book sale in Hyde Park, was already worn when I got it, and is now very well worn.

I flipped to the section titled Love and Will, finding this quote:

Both love and will are ways of molding, forming, relating to the world and trying to elicit a response from it through the persons whose interest or love we covet.

This is an amazing quote and speaks directly to conflict in relationships. First we try to love someone, or some thing. Frequently when we aren’t able to “elicit” the response we want from them, we try to “will” a response through force. From my clinical experience, many distressed people are simply trying to get something they need from the people they love. Knowing that they are trying to “elicit a response” can be very powerful.

If we take that one step further and become clear about the “response” we are looking for, we can “ask” for it. It can be very difficult to find words that name the “response”, but when we do, “asking” for what we want becomes very powerful.