In an earlier post I talked about an interpersonal model with four parts.
- What did I do?
- What did I expect?
- What was my interpretation of what happened?
- How do I react to that, both toward myself and emotionally?
In the second step, what we want is to have people respond in ways that we expect. Getting the reaction we expect from another person requires the use of “empathy.” That is, to know what to expect from a person requires being able to “walk in their shoes”, even if for a moment.
If we expect a tired person to be energetic and enthusiastic about the outing we propose for the evening, we are not truly thinking of where the tired person might be coming from. If we did think of the tired person, an evening in bathed in comfort may be more appreciated than an evening out bathed in excitement. If on the other hand, the person we are “trying to please”, has been home all day and “typically” likes to be out and about, a quiet evening in may be no treat at all.
If you expect the slow riser to be all perky and ready for lots of conversation with you, an early riser, you may be disappointed. If you hand then a cup of coffee first and wait a few minutes they may be more ready to talk. Then you may get what you expect, and want.
These are simple examples that begin to demonstrate the value of empathy. If we want to please someone or if we make a request of them and we expect a positive response, it is critical that we know “where the other person is coming from.” That is, empathy is one of the more powerful tools for navigating relationships.
With empathy, it is much more likely that we will deliver things that the other person values, and be able to feel good that they responded as expected. Our requests for support will be better received when we know where the other person is coming from as well.
With the use of empathy, the answer to the question “What did I expect?”, is more likely to be, “I expected the response I got.”
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Empathy and the 2 Essential I’s
Empathy is a very powerful relationship tool. I find that it relates to the 2 Essential I’s: Intent and Interpretation.
We intend a specific message when we speak. A match of speaker intent and listener interpretation spells successful communication.
How do we achieve success? We pay attention. When we send a message and receive verbal responses or body language mismatched to our intent, we circle back with our words to clarify. When we receive a negative message, we circle back to check intent before reacting.
For example, my intent is to gain understanding through a question about what you’re doing. (EX: Why are you watering the lawn?). You react instantly feeling criticized and challenged. You get sarcastic and make a face. I respond believing that you are annoyed by my simple question.
Because WE failed to recognize the mismatch between my intent and your interpretation, communication goes off kilter. Tone matters. Subsequent exchanges between us add to our disconnect. We are out of cognitive sync and emotional tune. No empathy.
When I pay attention, I “get” that my intent was lost. I do not blame you. I manage my emotions and can work to clarify my meaning.
And when, as the listener, you feel offended by my words, you bear responsibility. Double-check your interpretation with me —-before reacting.
In two-way communication, we alternate roles as speaker and listener with equal responsibility for the outcome. Paying attention to the accurate lineup of intent and interpretation creates understanding.
A focus on the 2 Essential I’s in intimate relationships works to support emotional intelligence through empathy in conversation.
Patt Hollinger Pickett,LPC,LMFT,Ph.D.
HireCoach St. Louis MO
i like your work but my Question is what are the poor substitues of empathy?