Several of my clients have gotten into difficult arguments simply by using the word “why.” Sometimes when we want to know what is going on with someone close to us, we start with the “innocent” use of why. For instance: “Why didn’t you call me yesterday?” In the real world, the one we learned about when we were growing up, “why” often meant we had done something wrong. When mom said, “Why did you…?” fill in the blank, we knew we were in trouble. Why meant we had done something wrong. Sadly, why may also have meant we were being criticized as a person, as in “Why do you talk so much?” Most of us interpret “Why?” as blame or shame, and in truth when we use why today we are frequently doing one or the other, blaming or shaming. So if you want to know something, then ask without using the word why. How or what are much more likely to be about gathering information. For example: “I was worried when I didn’t hear from you, what happened?”, or “I noticed a dent in my car when you brought it back, how did that happen?” No blame or shame, just information gathering. If you stick with how and what instead of why, you may find out what you want to know, and avoid a lot of painful arguments.