Assertiveness is a very powerful approach to interactions with other people. Frequently people get trapped in old ways of interacting that do not work in an adult world. Without thinking about doing something different or getting some training, they continue to do what worked, or at least seemed to work earlier in their life. Pouting or shouting might have worked for some children in some families, but rarely works well for adults, and certainly doesn’t work well in business.

Edmund Bourne details an approach to assertiveness in his book The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook. The outline for an assertive response is this:

• Evaluate your rights

• Designate a time

• State the problem situation in terms of its consequences for you

• Express your feelings

• Make your request

• State the consequences of gaining (or not gaining) the other person’s cooperation

Bourne describes a list of “rights” that I placed in a prior post. These are the detailed personal rights that we often forget or worse are unaware of, especially if we did not receive them when we were young. I don’t expect that the list is complete, but it is a very good starting place.

I will walk through an example first from business and then from a personal relationship. A lot of times, people have experiences from work or the market place where they assert rights. Sometimes, they forget to apply these skills in personal relationships.

Let me use the first right as an example: “I have the right to ask for what I want.”

Just Business

Just business: Evaluate your rights

The modern consumer knows this one by heart. The consumer can ask for anything, they may not get what they want, but they can ask, and often they do get what they want. If we bought something and then changed our mind we have the “right to ask” for something that resolves the issue. If it was a cookie and we took a bite out of it, we might not get a refund, but we can ask. If we changed our mind after we used the product for three years maybe we don’t have the right for a full refund, but with some companies you can ask for a partial refund. If it was the wrong color asking for an exchange is routine, and so on. Strangely, in relationships asking is often a forgotten option.

Just business: Designate a time

This is easy to do with a business. You will probably approach them sometime between 9a.m. and 9p.m. or whatever store hours are. Clearly, you won’t go bang on the door at midnight; the request can wait until morning. I wonder why some couples think they need to “argue it out” into the wee hours of the night.

Just business: State the problem situation in terms of its consequences for you

Make sure you talk about you, not them.

• The cookie tasted like it had rat poison in it.

• The colors really didn’t match my living room furniture, it looks terrible.

• The product has a three year warranty and it wore out after one year.

Just business: Express your feelings

For a business situation a little muting of feelings would do well. However, expressing feelings in a controlled way conveys your message.

• I was very disappointed when I bit the cookie… tried out the new drapes. etc.

• I got really frustrated when it broke in the middle of mowing my lawn.

Just business: Make your request

Keep the request direct and simple.

• Do you have a different cookie I can try?

• Could I get my money back?

• I would like to exchange these for a different color. Is that possible?

Just business: State the consequences of gaining (or not gaining) the other person’s cooperation

Again, simple is better. You can repeat the entire process if you are not successful the first time.

• If all of your cookies are this way I think I will shop down the street.

• I will certainly appreciate your time and effort if you can exchange these.

• If I can get these colors sorted out, I am thinking about buying a new couch as well.

That’s it! You may get what you want or you may not get what you want, but at least you exercised the right to ask.

It’s Personal

Now for the hard part, you have rights in relationships too. Again: “I have the right to ask for what I want.”

It’s Personal: Evaluate your rights

The right to ask is always available. If you are in a “situation” that is causing you alarm, this would be a good time to review your rights and find what other rights apply as well. But work on one right at a time.

It’s Personal: Designate a time

If a situation keeps recurring over and over you should be able to pick a time without having to respond in the moment. Basically, make an appointment just like you would do in business. Set a specific time with the other person, and just as important, agree on how much time you will spend on the subject. Another way to “designate” a time is to “pick you moment.” In the middle of a restaurant is not the best. You can mention that you have something you want to discuss and set a “when we get home” time. This too can have its problems if you are upset. Better is to pick a time when you can make the request calmly. Everything does not have to be settled “today”, especially if your request is about a repeating pattern.

It’s Personal: State the problem situation in terms of its consequences for you

In this step, try to keep the outcome as factual and “neutral” as possible. The purpose is to clarify the situation, not to place blame.

• When you don’t balance the checkbook I don’t know how much I have for groceries.

• If we don’t turn out all of the lights when we go out the electrical costs will be higher.

• When you don’t call I don’t know whether to make my own plans or wait for you.

It’s Personal: Express your feelings

Again, these are your feelings so keep the focus on yourself. A good way to do that is to use “I” statements. The primary purpose of an “I” statement is to let someone know something about you and to avoid “blaming” the other person, which is more likely to start a fight than to result in your request being respected. It is OK to state what the other person is doing, briefly and factually just before stating the feeling. The consequences, from above, and the feelings from this step can be put in the same sentence. A good form is “When you….. I…”

• When you flirt with other women I feel sad and empty like I am being abandoned.

• When you yell at me I feel like a little kid in trouble, and that really hurts. I try to see what I did wrong, but I think I acted OK.

Or, you can just express the feeling by itself.

• I feel confused.

• I feel very lonely right now.

It’s Personal: Make your request

Be as clear and to the point as possible. Again, this is not a time to assign blame.

• I would like you to balance the checkbook each week by Sunday evening. What do you think?

• Would you help me turn out the lights when we go out?

• If you are going to be more than an hour late, would you mind calling?

• When we are at parties, would you avoid flirting with other men?

It’s Personal: State the consequences of gaining (or not gaining) the other person’s cooperation

As with all of the steps keep the focus on you and on what you directly know or control.

• If I don’t know how much to spend on groceries, I will have to just buy basic things, no chips, no beer.

• If we can’t reduce our electric bill this winter we may not be able to take that trip in the spring.

• I become very anxious when you are out late and don’t call. I will stay up and wait until I see you.

• If the flirting does not stop I will have to decide whether to stay in this relationship.

These are just examples and of course you issues may be more serious. The idea is that on bigger issues taking the time to plan how you will assert your rights can make a big difference in how much cooperation you receive. In the case of having the right to ask, you may not get what you want, but then again you may, and people will know where you stand.