Sometimes therapists talk about people having layers of feeling. The idea is that under sadness might be anger, under anger, might be loneliness, and so on. I was thinking about anger and how common it is, especially among men. It dawned on me that feeling angry about having another feeling might be a better way to view this layering idea.

Anger can be thought of as an emotional response to having our sense of self demeaned. In anger there is always awareness that “we” are the target of some outrage. Anger is a mental state that gives us the information that our “self” has been encroached upon. Someone steps on our toes and we feel angry. Those are “our toes” and nobody has a right to step on them. We attach competence to our self esteem and then we flub an assignment. We feel angry toward our self because we have assessed that we did not live up to our own expectations. We are “less than” we intended or expected to be. Our team lost and we feel mildly angry or upset. It was “our” team. When they lost we lost something of our “self” as well.

If we have established in our mind that we do not want to, need to, or accept negative feelings other than anger, this may become part of our mantra. We are tough and we don’t feel sad. We are tough and we don’t feel afraid. We are tough and we don’t feel lonely. What happens if we actually do feel, even for a micro-second, some of those “other feelings?”

If we follow the mantra that we do not feel, and that is one of the basis for our self-esteem we can easily feel angry “that” we were forced to experience a feeling other than anger, thus lowering our sense of self. We feel attacked because we were forced to feel. We feel pushed around because we were forced to feel. I believe many people feel angry when they have to experience other unpleasant feelings.

One client became angry when he worked all day to be successful and then only received criticism at the end of the day. For a moment the client might feel sad, lonely, or hurt. Very quickly the client moved to “anger that” he had to experience these other feelings. Soon, the other feelings are skipped over even more rapidly and anger became a cover for all negative feelings. Another client had a learning deficit that he chose to keep hidden. If anyone got close to the “secret” he became violently angry. When talking about the secret he felt demeaned; he felt incompetent. He used anger to ward off exposure to these “other feelings.”

From a counselor’s view, responding with anger to every negative feeling just doesn’t work. Maybe someone can live with that approach for awhile, even a lifetime. However, I have learned from my clinical that the approach is very hard on relationships. Many relationships are damaged or broken due to using anger as a protective mechanism.

What to do? Saying the answer is easy. All feelings need to be felt. Then, the source of the other negative feelings can be addressed. The most uncomfortable feelings may need to be processed with a safe helper such as a therapist. Doing that, processing all of those “other feelings” as well as resolving the source and causes of those “other feelings” is a more healthy approach. When people learn to feel, and then respond to “the other” feelings, anger can be put in its proper place.

Having the mental and emotional flexibility to accept and be aware of a full range of feelings is a goal we can all strive for, even the “tough guys” among us. It takes courage, but it can be done!