My approach to couples counseling combines basic counseling principles with the work of John M. Gottman who wrote an excellent and practical guide: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Since Gottman’s book is a “guide”, he has developed 7 principles that are expressed in the form of exercises. I recommend that any couple interested invest some time in these exercises. The exercises can be done by couples working on their own; the “guide” is in fact a good self-help manual.

The most basic pattern of counseling is a sequence of exploration, followed by insight, followed by action. Using this process in couples counseling consists of the following: I get to know the couple; we talk about what is working and not working in the present relationship; we explore family backgrounds. From that we will gain insight, or more simply “understand” what is going on in the relationship.

What I expect to find is patterns that are not working. Frequently they show up as one of the signs that Gottman uses to predict that a marriage (I will use relationship) is in trouble. The signs are:

1. Harsh startup (beginning a discussion with an attack or other negative approach)

2. The Four Horsemen

a. Criticism (negative attack on the other person rather than solving the problem)

b. Contempt (a demeaning attitude toward the other person)

c. Defensiveness (trying to protect yourself rather than solving the problem)

d. Stonewalling (refusing to talk about the problem)

3. Flooding (one person becomes overwhelmed with their own emotions)

4. Body language (negative signals)

5. Failed repair attempts (one partner trying to “make-up” without a positive response in return)

6. Bad memories (carrying the past into the present situation)

These signs typically arise when a couple is “solving problems.” Gottman goes on to say that there are two types of problems: Solvable problems and problems that lead to gridlock.

During a session I work with couples on solvable problems and use that as a way to help couples build skills for interacting with each other. This process is fairly straight forward and is useful in relationships that are healthy but in which some skills are missing. Harsh startup, failed repair attempts, body language, and flooding can be addressed in this way.

Frequently the root of the issue is a problem or problems that have caused gridlock (an un-resolvable problem). Un-resolvable problems are just that, there is no direct answer. Someone who is entirely “neat” and someone who is entirely “leave things where they lay” are not going to “change” each other. The only resolution is for each to compromise and to develop ways to “work around” the issue. Identifying (through exploration and insight) these “un-resolvable issues” and then finding ways to “work around” them is an important part of my counseling approach.

I believe that the presence of The Four Horsemen is a strong indicator of individual problems. Gottman does not get into the causes of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. I believe their source is the myriad issues that are frequently addressed with individual counseling. Many times, people enter couples counseling, only to find that they need to resolve their individual issues before, or at least at the same time, that they address couple issues. If this is the case, we will discover the individual problem during the exploration and insight phases of couples counseling.

For both couple and individual counseling my basic belief is that current response to events in our lives was learned in the past, but is maintained in the present. In couples counseling we can create a safe place and find ways to take new actions in the present that build better relationships.