I brought a new kitten home a few weeks ago. Now she is more an adolescent. Her name, by the way, is Mimi. She reminded me that people (and sometimes kittens) are an “independent center of initiative.”

I first came across the phrase “independent center of initiative” in the book When Good Men Behave Badly, by David Wexler. He explains it as “the term used in self psychology to recognize that the other person has his or her own independent reasons for making a decision… reasons that have nothing to do with you.”

I frequently hear clients say something like “Why would they do that? I did x… y… z. They should do p… d… q.” I got here on time. They “should” be ready. What my client is not realizing is that long before they initiated a plan, the other person initiated a totally unrelated plan. The other person is taking their own action, not merely responding.

Using a serendipitous example, I think my laptop is for typing, Mimi the kitten seems to think it is a bridge or walk way. My plan this morning was to write a post for my blog. Mimi (I don’t think she plans much) decided to cross to the other side of my desk. The best way for her to proceed is over my laptop, it is a bridge you know. If she were human, I might say she “should know” the plan is to let me type… not interruptions thank you. That is a common mistake we humans make, to assume that our plans are the only plans.

Intent

More seriously, an important human characteristic is that we are intentional. That is, we have direction, we choose our action. The choice may be conscious or unconscious, but it is a choice all the same. Most of us realize that we are trying to accomplish some objective or plan. We are working to achieve our own interests much of the time. What we miss is the intents of the people around us. We put ourselves at the center of the world.

People are amazingly creative. As independent centers of initiative they may choose to do almost anything. Actually, that is a big part of what makes people so interesting. They are not mere robots that respond to our program. Yet, we continue to get upset that they do not respond exactly as we expect.

Conflicting Intents

Yesterday when I crossed the street my intent was get to the train station as quickly as possible. The taxi driver who honked, annoyingly, wanted to know if his service was needed. He had the intent to fill the space in his cab. The driver leaning forward anxiously at the wheel of her car had a strong intent to use the space I occupied so she could get to her destination.

Most of the time in a smoothly running society all of these diverse and counter intents can be accommodated. Occasionally strong emotion indicates the accommodation is not being made. For example, one of my clients engaged in a shouting match with another driver who intended to use the intersection at the precise moment it was needed by my client… thus creating a conflict.

These are small examples and for the most part, easily resolved. In relationships, when intents don’t align, when people are at cross purposes, more severe problems may occur. It seems so, so easy to expect that our significant other (SO) is perfectly aligned with our intents, and that our intents are perfectly clear and reasonable. My SO “should” respond in the way I expect. Hmm… is that really the case?

Should

The eminent psychologist Karen Horney found some traps in the use of should as did the late Albert Ellis. Here, I see “should” as coming from a failure to see the other person as an “independent center of initiative.” Lately, when my clients say my SO should do this or that, I respond that it would be “nice” if they did. However, what is their intent? What are they trying to do? Are they part of your plan? Did they agree to your plan?

As people we have intents that belong to us. Having intents is what we would expect from someone who is an independent center of initiative. Sometimes it seems that we expect “the world” to organize itself around our personal intents. Mostly, the world does not act that way. In a world tailored to “me” it may become lost on us that everyone has a set of intents.

My SO and Intent

If, for the sake of argument, my SO is in fact an “independent center of initiative”, and not merely an appendage for satisfying my desires, then my SO will have intents that are being acted upon. Why “should” my partner respond only “to me?” When I do x… y… z, can I really expect p… d… q. What if my partner is on a course of n… i… m… b… y? If my partner were a computer program written by me, then I might always get p… d… q. If my partner is an independent center of initiative then she may be acting on her intents while I am acting on my intents.

Putting this all together, one of the best antidotes against being continually frustrated that your SO is not responding like you “expect” or as “they should”, is to think about them as an independent center of initiative. Given that they are one, ask yourself what is their intent? If you don’t know for sure, ask them. Check to see if they are on board with your intent. Tell them what you intend and ask them for support. It is much easier to relate to someone if you are fully aware of what is going on. If they have bought into and are tracking with your intent, then that is great. But perhaps, they are busily working on their intent, and you are getting upset because you expect them to focus only on you.

Sorting through intents can save a lot of emotional turmoil and improve on how you relate to other beings, even kittens. You may not agree with their intent, but at least you are fully aware that they have them.