At the center of understanding the interaction between two people is a four part interpersonal model described by both Binder (2004) and Levenson (1995). I have used this model extensively with clients who have anger issues. In this post I will explore using the model for gathering information in any situation between two people.

The basic model has four parts.

· Acts of self (Intent)

· Expectations of others (Their Intent)

· Perceived acts of others (Interpretation)

· Self-image / self-treatment

I use these four areas with clients as areas for gathering information concerning an interaction. One interaction may last a few seconds or a few minutes. The full understanding of the situation, especially the first time though the model, may take an entire counseling session. However, the model itself is relatively simple and can be used by an individual for self understanding.

The basic skill for using the model is “self observation.” A person needs to be able to clearly and honestly evaluate what they are doing. That of course is also why counseling may be needed. Sometimes we need someone to be reflective for us, to hold up the mirror. The more advanced skill for using the model is “observation in-action.” That is, we observe and take action all at the same time. The information gathered is most useful when we can “see” the interaction unfolding and are able to use the information in the moment.

But for now, let us go back to the basics. In order to observe we need specifics. We need to know what to look for. I presented the questions listed here in my post on Anger Counseling, but with limited discussion. The four places to look are:

1. Action (Intent)

· What did you actually do?

· What was your intent or wish regarding the other person?

· How do you feel about the other person?

The idea here is to understand what you are trying to accomplish. Many times the stated goal is not the same as the real goal. For example, I was trying to do something “nice”, is often a way of saying I was trying to do something that I wanted for myself, without truly considering the other person. “You must be tired, let’s get you home” may mean “I am tired and I want to go home.” Hidden agendas cause a lot of confusion and get some very surprising results.

2. Expected Response (Their Intent)

· What did you expect from that person?

· How did you think they would perceive your wish or intent?

· What were they trying to accomplish, their intent?

Again, the idea is to stop and think of what is “really” going on. If they are tired and you were “really” thinking about them, then they might be pleased about your consideration. If you expected them to be pleased, and they were, then you did well. If however, you were tired, they were still having a great time, and now you are trying to hustle everyone home, then the response might not be what you expect. They might be annoyed that you want to leave the party early. It is good to ask, what would you “really” expect if you were aware of your true intent and of their intent? If what you expect is more realistic then you won’t have to deal with so many unpleasant surprises.

3. Actual Response (Interpretation)

· What did the person actually do?

· How did you interpret their action?

A good thought to keep in mind is that the other person is an “independent center of initiative.” They have their own plans, desires and directions. Many times the response is simple and “innocent”, not related to your hidden agenda. “No, I’m really not tired. I was just starting to have some fun, what’s wrong anyway?” In this example, if at a surface level you thought you were doing a good thing, you may think the response is an attack against you rather than a simple assertion. You may hear what’s wrong with “you” rather than “what’s wrong.”

4. Self image – Self treatment

· How did the interaction influence the way you view or treat your “self”?

· What did you say or visualize to yourself, about yourself or the situation?

This one can be a little tricky. A lot of the time we don’t notice the things we say to our “selves.” We might say something like: I am a real dummy, she never likes my suggestions. Or there she goes again, she is so selfish, I never get what I want. A recurring thought may just flash through our awareness.

An important part of my approach in counseling is to find a theme that represents the interaction. A lot of times it can be seen most clearly in the self statement. The theme is a short summary of how you see the overall interaction, and more importantly, is one that is repeated over and over. The theme plays just before the strong emotional response like anger or anxiety.

The theme in this simple example may go something like this: I try to do the right thing, instead of being appreciated I get put down, people are selfish, and I never get what I want. Boy that ticks me off…. I’ll show her. Now we are to the strong emotion out of control phase and who knows what will happen next.

It is also very important to know there are an infinite number of themes. Each person is unique and has found unique ways for adapting to life. The theme that I look for is one that does not really work, that is repeated many times, and that is getting in the way of living a happy life.

Maybe, if you keep running into familiar and uncomfortable situations, this model can help you “see” what is going on. Seeing what is going on gives you the opportunity to try something different. Something different may just work.

Binder, J. L. (2004). Key competencies in brief dynamic psychotherapy: Clinical practice beyond the manual. Guilford Press: New York.

Levenson, H. (1995). A guide to clinical practice: Time-Limited dynamic psychotherapy. Basic Books: New York.