One assumption counselors make is that what we see is just a surface. We think about peeling layers of an onion, each layer adds new meaning. However, even the first layer can be misinterpreted unless we ask carefully. Assuming we can tell what is going on merely by observation is an easy trap to fall into.

I had a friend explaining Myers Briggs typology to me. Without getting into the details of type, my friend asserted that different people can do what looks like the same thing but experience it in entirely different ways.

Take two guys (male or female guys) climbing the face of an ice cliff. (Not me for sure.) Observing from the bottom, they make similar moves and progress to the top. At the top each describes the experience.

One talks about how cool the surface of the ice felt. He talks about how he could see for miles; the adrenaline rush of making the next move; the feeling of exhilaration when he finally reached the top.

On reaching the top the other guy talks about how she was trying out new gear. She was very interested in which gear was most effective and easiest to handle in awkward conditions. She had also observed her own skill and was considering whether she could tackle an even more difficult climb.

Both guys had a great time. Both were excited to do another climb. Both had very different experiences. From the bottom we could never tell. We have to ask them to share their experience with us. Just like in counseling.